Anxiety (why?)

It will all get shiny and warm.. soon..


..that's what i keep saying to myself to keep it going. Wake up, really difficult to leave behind the cozy room, the quiet, the warmth. Then i make the decision, "get up". It gets a little later than what i keep promising myself to do every night when i lay calm on bed. Then i finally reach the "place" or called "the building". Same face in front of me, same ugly face with a disoriented mind, a psycho freak with a deep need to prove perfection through false behavior. It is really such a pity to ruin every beautiful morning at the sight of you. Then hours pass me by and i start to drawn in sadness and my only wish is to get the hell out of here. Then, it's time i am obliged(?) to leave it all behind.. FREEDOM.. the first minute it feels like ..spontaneous. the second ..excitement, the third ..smiley, and to think that an hour is full of minutes. Then it all gets back to normal and i feel like me again, and the night is really beautiful and calm and so much better that the day's duration, even if it is shorter in real time. Then i have to rest and i make a wish, that tomorrow can be better.. and then Morpheus is hanging there with me.. and then the "alarm" .. Wake up

The eternal sadness of an open mind..

http://youtu.be/4AvP1atLBuo


It's been almost a month.. this subject of discussion is heard over and over again but still the solution is out there hanging, or there to hang me. Sometimes when you meet a person you make a little presentation, a summary of your own characteristics. For me, one of the usual things to say was "woman of career" and this would be something obvious based on the fact that this is my non stop aiming. 


The big question comes when you are actually facing yourself living it and you desperately want to escape from it all.. trying to find self peace. There are two options here: 1. you go looking for the next best thing to continue the career you are supposed to achieve, or 2. you admit that this was somehow a failure to believe that you, a person seeking freedom and independency is able to lock herself in a hole full of sadness and daily routine. 


It is quite possible that no one has noticed that i am on the edge here..


It is even possible that no one will ever care about my own thoughts & troubles.


The only possible is to find a way to stand on my feet and move forward again as i always do in the end.


The song above is there to describe the mess inside me the last days .. maybe you can feel it, maybe not. It actually has no difference cause no matter what you feel about me, i am the only one who can save me from me. 


Cheers

the little nest you can't get out of

Standing there i used to watch things from above. Sometimes you look to a face and you see exactly the same, the same old hair, eyes, structure but then it feels there is something hidden underneath .. a simple soul available to be fulfilled with pictures, feelings and dreams. Throughout the last year i've watched you at you best and at your worst but still, i am watching you. This face came down those stairs and looked at me as a stranger a while ago, but nowadays the stranger is looking so familiar and so close ..


The nest (as so called) is now the place i run every time i feel the need to touch the inner you and let you touch the inner me.. Funny i'd say, i never saw it coming just because i always saw it in several dreams but reality never proved me right. Time is a great healer and a great teacher and taught me great lessons about trust and how important that thing is between two strangers when they both express the desire to unite into something bigger and more important ..


I keep fighting my own false fears and you keep giving me space for some more safety and warmth .. now i can see clearly that this has never been easy for me and that no one ever tried to make me see that some feelings need patience and love to grow..


Ever since this story started i have grown a new inner self inside me and have also planted a new space for you at the inner side of me..


the nest is now cozy and it shall be more ..


hug*