the lonely in the crowd

you can actually recognise them, only if you're a lonely soul as well..


they proudly support the fact that they can handle life on their own and that they do not require the appearence of other people to fullfil happiness. this is reality for most of the time, but then one rainy afternoon where silence fills the room and no stands there to bother them, they wish someone would be there ..just be there. this does not mean that afterwards they adopt this kind of life, the one "needy"of other people around.. it means that we should not be so absolute to our point of views.


my need to express myself through this note was the new song of anathema "the lost child".. it touched me so deeply, cause there are actually times i feel lost in my control. the tragic fact in this, is that those times people are blind and they have no clue about the war inside you. their only worry is to simply ask: "are you ok?" and you say: "yeah, i'm fine" and the dialogue ends there.


nowadays i get the feeling i should completely disappear and not even leave a note behind, that way i could make the perfect restart.. start all over again with new terms of life and circumstances that would fit better to my own piece of mind about how reality should be.


i acknowledge that i do have the ability to gather people around me, make them fanatic to my personality and somehow move the crowd to a direction that my wave has chosen to move along the sea of my inner world. this is so magical at the very beginning, but then that bores me too. easy.


for weeks now they tend to gather around me like bees and they keep looking forward for my next best step, as if it is an hbo weekly episode. i post a preview teaser, and they wait patiently for the episode premiere. couldn't i just cancel the show? blaim it on the actors or the production, or the pour budget.


when i realised that through this, friends ect are actually drying my energy i quickly run to my shelter.. "the lonely me". they suppose it's just a break for advertisement BUT it is not. sorry.


the state of mind is wide open head and i can sense it all and i can sense even more, even if i do not throw the pure reality at your face you know that i stand behind your mirror and i blink .. i guess you will never see what my eyes see for you but that's the beauty of life.. not having it all served in the plate.


to sum up, this ends by stating pure reality: "i'm so alone in the crowd" .. so, i don't need the crowd to know how alone i am, the crowd needs to know how alone we all are in this social madness.


thank you people.

escape from white pure

"there, there little girl.."


this is the mirror you used for many years trying to look similar to its reflection, but then one day you got bored of it, the same way you despise permanent conditions.. and somehow you managed to persuade yourself you can bear something being unchangeable for a pretty long time .. (false) and somehow you persuaded others into this, but it was just a mirror.


we tend to put all of our darkest thoughts into a small black box away from anything and anyone just to avoid the fear of facing it, but the day you will have the courage to open up wide you will have the whole of your identity free, able to express yourself without doubts and second thoughts.


he, who will have the soul's strength to keep his eyes open while looking at the deepest of your faded green-grey eyes without any fear, that he might lose his way into this unspoken path, would be the one who can hold your hand and pass through the dark woods to reach out the golden sand shore of your deep blue sea.


even under weird positioned mood, i could listen to that chaotic music and reflect it into a vision that would unite my shape and the shapes of the music into something surreal. my whole existence was pictured into a naked woman with intense curves, a combination of a fairy and a mortal woman with her inner thirst of pleasure exposed. she and the waves of music were transformed into one entity. there i could see no mirror, i was the mirror to that vision.


"there, there woman.."